#well. being gay with my friends makes it all worthwhile

[gideonisms]

Tbf I Am a fair bit older than what the median age of this fandom seems to be, so really I've just had longer to figure it all out

Well it's encouraging to hear that one can age into figuring it out because I'm almost 30 and I would not say my 20s have brought me all that much clarity. I have no idea what the median age is here but I'm glad you've been able to take the time to figure yourself out! It can definitely be hard to do

[rupertgayes]

How would you pitch watching Due South to someone who doesn't know it?

THE PREMISE: mountie from the northern reaches of canada goes to chicago to avenge dead dad (also a mountie), gets into buddy-cop shenanigans with a detective. said detective leaves the show in season 3 and gets replaced by another detective, shenanigans continue to ensue. there's also a dog. he's very cute.

THE PITCH: honestly, after being in the spn fandom and having most of popular culture awash with prestige shows (that are not spn, but like spn are typically dark and gritty and like killing characters off too) and having most of the popular media landscape try to cover their collective asses by having an aloof, 'you-can't-make-fun-of-this-because-we're-not-taking-it-seriously-ourselves' air, it was truly refreshing to sit down with a close friend of mine and check out this show.

i'm being completely serious when i say there's a certain je ne sais quoi about this show. is it because it's from the 90s? perhaps. is it because it's canadian? maybe. i wasn't even alive when this show first started airing and i'm not a media analyst. it basically takes the premise of the dudeley do-right cartoon and asks 'okay, but what if that was like, a real guy?' and fucking runs with it to the wildest heights. it's a comedy, but it's also so bizarre in some ways that it makes it a truly unique treat to watch. i love psych and brooklyn 99 for having a comedic procedural aspect, and neither of them are comparable in whatever it is that due south is doing.

there's honestly a lot of heart and soul in the entire show, and it has the ability to shift from just being comedic to having drama, mystery, and moments that pull at your heartstrings. it's a show that you can enjoy on the surface as a fun episodic show with fun characters and fun moments, but it also lends itself quite well to extrapolating on the characters, their motivations, etc. (and by etc i'm also including any shipping you might want to do).

i won't say it's a paragon of DEI, but again, i think it has a level of earnestness which makes any slip-ups it does have something i can kinda view with indulgence, versus shows that are making the same (or worse) mistakes 20+ years after this show already ended. these characters are treated with a level of dignity and respect, and i think overall the characterization is pretty consistent - there are some shifts happening between seasons 1-2 and 3-4, but i feel like it has more to do with budgets, a change in creative team, etc., versus writers not 'getting' certain characters.

there's also a lot of memorable episodes, scenes, bits. i think the latter seasons are more campy (my favorite) and some eps from s1 and 2 make for legitimately some great television. even the more mid episodes have something worthwhile, too. some of my fave moments in no order:

fraser (the mountie) saving and talking to? a rat in a strip club

also him going to a leather club

twice

and meeting a mountie in a latex version of his red serge uniform

using a tarp as a parachute

mafia egg conspiracy

aliens??

due south but make it silence of the lambs a little bit

performance arsonist

lake pirates? ghost ship?

also why are most of the major bad guys here doing some form of environmental crime? get your captain planet on ig, i'm into it

also fellow cops can also be bad guys. acab ig??

sick muscle cars eric kripke himself would've enjoyed. sometimes they get set on fire tho

due south but make it to wong foo thanks for everything

fraser running away from women so he doesn't have to kiss or interact with them

way too much time in closets, in general.

fellas is it gay to ask your new partner of one week maybe to pretend he's a woman so he can decide if he finds you attractive

there are red ships and green ships but no ships like partnerships :)

and to reiterate about the dog: there's a dog who's half wolf and all deaf and fraser can talk to him 'because he (the dog) reads lips'

his dead dad shows up too sometimes

anyway, it was really nice to watch this show for the first time, there are still moment i scream-laugh at because they're just so ridiculous and i'd never catch any other moments like that in any other show. i definitely see why there's still active fans for it thirty years later. there's also some wild shipping fodder here, which is at least partially why there are still fics getting written for these guys today. destiel if the cw weren't cowards etc etc. when i watched the finale, i cried tears of joy because while i'd miss the characters, they got an ending that actually seemed to fit, instead of it being a rush job, which is not unique to spn but, you know.

also you can watch it for free on youtube rn.

[saphig-iawn]

Day 7 of Turning me into Me

I've done it. My dear sweet girlies, my shes, gays, theys, and whatever-the-hays, I've done it. I have gone 7 whole days sticking to my plan. On November 12th I saw my face without a beard for the first time in 11 years and while my mask of masculinity was gone I still didn't like what I saw. I chose that day to be the worst I would ever feel about myself and made a decision to put the future me into production, rather than wait for HRT to do it all for me. I was inspired by a trans friend of mine who went through a similar journey to get surgery and she just told me so bluntly how easy it'd be. So I did.

And here I am, a whole week of walking every day, a whole week of not eating when I'm bored, a whole week of no sugar drinks (sorry monster). I am the happiest I have ever been. My head is so full of the things I'd wear, the makeup I'd try, the ways I can enjoy my body (also tbh I am really excited about the clothes holy FUCK). It was as easy as my friend said, "just don't do it, lol" were literally the words out of her mouth. I even took my first selfie that I liked.

But these aren't the only reasons why I'm still going. It is everyone who has come by and seen me talking about my journey and have shown me support. I've had DMs, Asks, RBs all telling me how they found my writing at the right time, and also at the wrong time and giving them something to think about. The fact that little old me could be a single part of someone's journey into their true self is just.. it.. it makes this so much better and so much more worthwhile.

You see, I used to be in a big discord server that belonged to a streamer. Over time it became harder to remain there. I wasn't out at the time but had so many girlies who were and they fought so well when laddish bigotry and cishet male-ry would bubble up and ruin people's day. But then one particularly bad night would result in blatant transphobia being slung in the chat and despite so many girlies calling it out, it was normalised by the server owner. I was DMing the girlies about how it just fucking sucked and that I wanted to do something but I was so scared and so tired and they sympathised with me. But I had had enough and thus turned my coming out into a weapon. I wanted them to know that their words hurt so many more people than they think; the silent queers that sit and see bigotry become commonplace in a space that has been advertised as safe, the questioning girls-to-be and boys-to-be seeing people write off their feelings under Devil's Advocacy. I told them they weren't allies, there was no support, and I was coming out and they better fucking pack it in. But when the culture is entrenched, even something like that doesn't change much. But my coming out caused a ripple, and I did see the names of people I had never interacted with before show love, and I knew that it was enough for them. I hope that me, setting myself ablaze in that server and leaving from the ashes, was enough for those names I saw.

A big thank you to everyone who has said hello, got in touch, or even just liked. I have such a deep and unshakeable love for you.

[bengiyo]

Love Class 2 Eps 9 & 10 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

Last week, in keeping with the theme, I can barely remember what happened in the K-BLs. I know that the younger couples all basically came out to each other, and all three couples gave some decent kissing. I continue to enjoy J-min. I also am glad we resolved the situation with Kim An’s orphanage friend, because that was kinda fucked. The TA and artist are dealing with a misunderstanding that feels a little meaty, so I hope we have a good resolution moment for it. I’m glad Maru and Minwoo finally kissed about their problems.

Episode 9

I’m okay starting with Minwoo and Maru spooning.

Okay, it’s very sweet of Maru to recognize that Minwoo has loved him for a long time and stood by him through all the things Maru went through. I love him promising to be there with Minwoo now.

Kim An is shirtless in bed? How now brown cow.

Never mind, they’re handling business and getting it in.

Oh shit. Joo Hyuk’s friend read him on this park date goddamn.

Oh, was Joo Hyuk with the teacher that Sungmin often does chores for?

Looks like Maru’s tormenting of the manager worked.

Look at my girl finally finding a straight man to flirt with.

The professor was Joo Hyuk’s uncle? LOL

My man Sungmin is so resilient. He realized he’d embarrassed himself, cleared up the matter, and then asked for a date. That’s what I’m talking about!

Kim An and Lee Hyun are frolicking!!

I’m okay with everyone getting cute dates this episode.

I will never get tired of people expressing their feelings for each other clearly and directly, and then making out.

“You are obedient at important moments,” and  “Let’s have many important moments. I promise I’ll be a good boy,” what actually so hot.

I appreciate that there was probably a limit to how physically intimate they could get an idol like J-min to be in this show, and so they fed us with the sides. It’s something Thailand relied upon a lot for a while. J-min served well by being so talented in the early parts when I was struggling a bit. This show has struck a really nice balance after I settled into it.

I see you boys rolling around with each other and I know what that means. Nicely done, sirs.

I love that the tag is giving us the backstory for how Joo Hyuk fell for Sungmin. Unsurprisingly, Joo Hyuk was kind of a whiny drunk.

Episode 10

Now we’re on a Gays Only Camping Trip? Incredible.

This looks like so much fun omg.

These people have immaculate vibes. This is way better than whatever the fuck was going on in Our Skyy 2: Star in My Mind.

This supermarket trip is so cute holy shit.

You mean the tell me this is a gay bbq and they didn’t know they was all paired off? Gay people are so dumb.

I love this conversation between Minwoo and Lee Hyun about how Minwoo used to be jealous of Lee Hyun’s feelings.

This show is doing a really good job showing couples settling into each other in its finale.

Okay, deciding to no longer kiss in the shadows is such a baller gay thing to say that this show just earned half a point.

Okay this photo is really good.

Final Verdict: 8.5, This Was Cute as Hell. I want to thank @he-is-lightning-in-a-bottle for getting me to keep going with this show. I think it was a little hard to follow at first, but I had really satisfying outings with all of the characters here. It was kind of a grab bag of plots, but once I locked in I had a fantastic time. This was really fun, and a worthwhile watch. J-min has real talent and I was impressed by him.

[ardentpoop]

It is very concerning to me that ppl in the supernatural fandom r just now (barely) starting to recognize the racism in show. Like the show is very deeply seeped in white supremacy in a way that was very obvious to me when i first watched it at 11. Like I used to be very confused when ppl talked abt Supernatural as a progressive show??? I used to joke with my friends in highschool calling it whitesupremacistnatural bcuz that it is literally the show. White supremacy is so baked into the show and its ingrained into the foundations of the fictional world that Supernatural takes place in. I really cannot take white fans of the show in particular seriously bcuz i feel like if u cannot recognize the incredibly blantant racism in Supernatural i do not really trust any analysis of the show that u make. The only reason I can think of as to why so many fans are unable to recognize the racism in the show is bcuz just abt every scifi/fantasy show from this period had similar issues to varying degrees (although i do think that Supernatural is one of the most unabashed abt it). Like once you pull back the disguise of fantasy Supernatural is just another The Birth of a Nation esque tale that romanticizes white heroes defending the "real" humans from the dark races who cant help being born evil but must be eliminated anyway. Its incredibly unsubtle to a point that often made the show difficult for me to watch especially the longer it went on and the older that i got. That being said I still watched 14 seasons of Supernatural. I love the show and talk abt it constantly bcuz (surprise surprise) it is possible to enjoy a show while still acknowledging the ways that it is deeply problematic. I dont think its a coincidence that ppl r just starting to acknowledge the racism now (nearly 4 years after it ended). I think someone could write multiple dissertations abt the racism and white supremacist undertones in Supernatural bcuz there is so much of it and it appears in so many varying ways.

I don’t have much to add to this just letting you know that I feel you!!! literally hilarious to call this show “progressive” lmaooo like sure maybe in the same way that a corporate pride tweet made by a company with notoriously unethical business practices is “progressive” <3

show created primarily by white men for other white men that ended up attracting a massive white queer audience that was all too happy to gloss over the loudest and ugliest parts of the canon: blatantly racist central concept of Good vs Evil, dean being blatantly abusive to sam for the majority of their relationship, irresponsible casting choices wrt antagonists like Gordon and Raphael and s13!Michael as well as the disposable henchmen/extras who were far too often portrayed by black and brown men and women considering the glaring shortage of black and brown “good guys” in this story, truckloads of blatantly homophobic and misogynistic jokes that were supposed to be viewed as charming, and so on.

no need to unpack any of that though! talking abt that stuff gets you labelled a hater. keep walking on eggshells around the majority of the fandom and tagging discussion of dean’s canon actions as “anti dean” and critical discussion of the show’s super unsubtle roots as “negativity”

as long as the white queer audience got their goddamn d*stiel crumbs they were satisfied lol. and fuck sam - the ONLY part of this thing that makes it worthwhile to watch all the way through as an adult bc characters like him are genuinely so so rare - bc he gets in the way of their generic white gay ship that’s built on flavorless scraps and wild conjecture. as always this website’s user base has impeccable taste and commendable analytical skills!

disclaimer: I genuinely don’t think I would personally change much abt spn textually speaking because AS IT IS it makes for a truly sickening narrative with brain-rotting layers that its creators could have never pulled off intentionally. this isn’t me saying none of the horror was intentional but that a decent chunk of it obviously wasn’t and that the Final Combination could’ve only come of the too-many-cooks-in-the-kitchen white american ignorance egotistical power-tripping (the latter on the part of, say, jensen) that resulted from this show being on the air for far longer than it should’ve been.

[your-queer-dad]

Hi. I just wanted to say 2 things. Sorry about how long this post is - you don’t have to read it all if you don’t want to. At least I’ll have typed out what I’ve been keeping inside so long.

First, you’re a really good person. I’m sure you know that already, and have been told that already, but from a young person to you, thank you so much. You are such a blessing.

I want to preface the second thing by saying that I have no idea where to go for support. My parents are wonderful people, but I’m not ready to come out to them or anyone else because my overall community doesn’t feel safe.

I know that at least one of my uncles doesn’t support LGBT people. One of my former classmates didn’t put in a yearbook quote indicating she was gay because she was afraid of her parents seeing it - and we’re part of a similar community. I have reason to believe other people in our community, even family members, may feel similarly.

At my former high school, my classmates often said transphobic things (one of my friends even said that one day, when I was absent a student gave a presentation promoting debunked rapid onset gender dysphoria - although thankfully someone pushed back) and although I’m not trans, not only is that behavior crappy and must have made my trans classmates feel bad, but it indicated an environment that I didn’t feel safe in.

I want to be clear that my high school wasn’t an awful place - we had an LGBT club and an out teacher who wasn’t harassed by anyone, to my knowledge - but all those other elements, and the world outside my school, still existed. I didn’t know if it was safe to be out.

It’s also my fault I feel stuck, too. Everyone assumes I’m straight, and it just feels easier to go with the flow. To pretend that I’m definitely going to have a boyfriend. To pretend that I’m not a woman who loves women as well as men.

This anxiety is so stifling, but it feels terrifying to think about being out. Even typing these words makes my hands shake and palms sweat. I don’t want to live in a world where people debate whether I can marry, whether I can exist, whether I am human - I hate it. I hate this nervousness. I hate that now, even though I’m going to college, I may not have the courage to be myself on campus.

So, after all of that, I guess I just need to ask: is it possible to find support? How do you learn to love yourself? How do I find a community?

Sorry for the long post. Have a good day.

Hey kiddo! It's alright, I don't mind the long post and thank you so much for reaching out! Yes I think it's possible to find support and your community. I hate it too, that we have to fight so hard for something that's so such a basic human necessity like the right to be ourselves. But finding support is possible, it just isn't always in the way you expect. There's lgbtq people everywhere, who feel like you, and who wants support too. Sometimes it comes when you least expect it to. But you will always have your community online, and your international community here for you, even if you don't see us everyday, we're here (and we're queer!). Learning to accept and love yourself is the hardest and the most worthwhile journey you'll ever go on, and there isn't a rush to start it until you're ready.

- dad x

[peppermintfables]

On Monsters

So both Black Sails and One Piece have monsters as a theme (and so do many other pirate shows. Being a pirate and and being a monster are almost irrevocably linked). And since Im obsessed with both and no one else has magically written the exact essay I want I suppose I have to do it myself. The world is a cruel and unfair place.

Generally a monster is defined by two things. First of all they exist outside the norm/ society and secondly they are evil. Stories that deal with monsters as a theme are usually challenge one of those. What if monsters are evil but they also exist within society. Or in fact are more likely to exist as part of one? What if monsters are solely defined by their separation from society without them having to actually be bad and are often in fact only seen as evil because if condition one is true, condition two is presumed true as well. I think on this website we often go with the second option. I dont think I have to tell anyone here is a trend of looking at monsters and going „they are actually so nice and also my friend and we bake cookies and overthrow the government together“. Something something queerness and otherness. Smarter people have written smarter stuff than me and also i just want to talk about gay pirates.

I think the portrayal of monsters in One Piece and Black Sails is both very similar and has some difference that Im not quite able to pinpoint yet (which is why Im doing this in the first place). I think in both cases its about choice. Not only the choice to be a monster but the choice of what kind of monster you’re going to be.

The tag line of Black Sails’ monster theme is probably “Everyone is a monster to someone”. But that’s not where we start. We start with this:

“Monster” is not a thing you are. Monster is a narrative role other people put you in for their own benefit. It’s a tool used against you.

In comparison in One Piece we have this:

Chopper has been thrown out of reindeer and human society for not fitting in (and thus being a monster) and here we have Sanji calling Luffy a monster like it’s empowering. Luffy can fight *because* he’s a monster. And for the first time Chopper can see being a monster as something worthwhile and like he, a monster, maybe has a place amongst other monsters. And while in this scene Sanji is talking about Luffy specifically being a rubber-man and that being more of a monster in a physical sense (and doesn’t Sanji of all people saying that hit different now) we have plenty of scenes that talk about a different aspect. Specifically Usopp calling the monster trio monsters because they know no fear and are also maniacs who love fighting. Id argue that here too is a monster something positive and powerful to be.

Maybe that is the difference I was looking for. Black Sails starting with the term monster as something other people put on you and One piece starting with strength coming from monsterousness. I feel like that is also indicative of each shows tone and attitude towards piracy. So where do we go from here?

In Black Sails we are getting to “Everyone is a monster to someone” with Abigail realizing that pirates arent as inhuman and cruel as she was led to believe. Monster continues to be a narrative role but turns out civilization is not the only one telling stories. We are going towards “maybe monsters are within society as well.” And then we have Flint being iconic:

There it is! Choice! Power! So long society tries to frame Flint as a monster and they go to Ashe and Ashe is like “We can make you not the monster. You just have to tell your life story and that will make you vulnerable enough that people will see you as a person”. And Flint, who would rather have been seen as a monster than apologize, goes “This sucks but okay”. And then Miranda happens. Monsters *are* within society as well. Everyone is a monster to someone and you have the choice to make: Who are you going to be a monster to and what kind of monster will you be? And Flint takes that narrative role that people have tried to assign to him and makes it his own. He makes it into something that gives him power. Because if he’s going to be a monster either way he’s going to be one on his own terms. Im going to go insane.

Number one being Chopper choosing to be a monster.

Look at my boy go! Again: Embracing the monster you are, but making it your own. He’s doing it for his captain not just bc the Strawhats would do pretty much everything for their captain but bc it’s okay to be a monster amongst other monsters. Because that’s where he first learned that being a monster can be not just not bad but a good thing.

And then there’s Sanji. It’s kind of hard to analyze it because I absolutely do not think that Sanji’s arc concerning his modifications is over yet but let’s take a look at what we’ve got so far.

So in conclusion: It’s about being the monster you choose to be instead of the monster others want to make you and Im crying.

[imgonnaketchumall]

Gary Oak HC

Been meaning to do this with Gary in addition to Ash.

Gary's full name is Garrison Oak, but unlike Ash's name, the only person who knows it would be Ash, Delia, and Professor Oak, obviously. His siblings Green & Daisy know this as well.

Gary is gay, and currently in a relationship with my Ash, as well as in a relationship with @miraiconnection 's Gou. He has nicknamed both his boyfriends as Ashy and Gou Gurt, and if anyone other than him uses said names, just beware.

His relationship with his grandfather fluctuates. It goes more so in phases. As a young child, pre-rival with Ash, Gary was rather clingy to his new guardian and to his siblings. It wasn't uncommon to find him hovering around his grandfather or siblings, often being told to go play because they were busy. He was also very clingy to Ash in their pre-rival years, more so because Ash was clingy to him.

Gary is one of the very few aside from adults that even knew Ash's father.

In the early stages of rivalry, it starts because of simple jealously. Ash starts getting more attention from Professor Oak. The sleepover where Professor Oak lets Ash use the blanket that Gary wanted, has Ash eat Gary's cereal for breakfast, and compliments Ash more then himself is the final straw, so to speak. This jealousy rises and the turning point in his and Ash's friendship is when Gary decides he no longer wants to be Ash's friend and makes sure every kid in their class at school doesn't go to Ash's birthday party.

This is the full start of their rivalry and it won't end until the end of Johto when Ash finally beats Gary in their final battle.

As a young child, Gary is a know it all. He will be that kid at school that just is smarter and makes sure everyone knows it. He gets a bit more humble as he grows up, but, when he wants to show off, that portion of him will come out again.

Gary is a tad materialistic. He likes nice things. As a child, the Oak grandchildren were given things as a way to compensate with Oak's work, or their parents death. The Oak grandchildren had the nicest toys in the town. Gary used this as a way to edge his way into popularity as a child.

As a teenager/adult, Gary uses shopping as a way to cope with his feelings. It's easier to buy a new scarf from Galar, or a Sinnoh coat, or fancy new research equipment then to express his emotions, even towards the ones he loves. His gifts towards his loved ones are done with heartfelt intentions, but can become a bit overboard.

He gets along well with almost all of Ash's friends except Serena. It's the jealously bit. Serena crushed on Ash, and this made Gary feel very insecure.

In his research, he wants to make his grandfather proud. He wants to feel like he's putting out worthwhile studies, and even in recent times will still crave that approval from his grandfather.

He's a tad egotistical. Moreso because he cares what other people think. He cares more about the public's opinion then say, his grandfather does.

His friend group mostly ends up being Ash's friends and Tracey becomes like another sibling to him.

Traveling with his cheerleaders was more lonely then he expected. He wished he had traveling friends like Ash did, and he fully regrets how he acted as a child.

Eventually, he ends up setting one of his cheerleader friends up with Brock.

[notasapleasure]

fanfic director's cut: only ever just one night!

ohhhh hohoho careful what you ask for my friend. But thank you <3

Only ever just one night - director's commentary meme

And while I'm here, a HUGE shout out of thanks to @weirdsociology-writes for reccing this fic!

BACKGROUND The first SW fic I've written in….five years! I've been noodling around very small fandoms since then. I mean like…under 20 fics total on ao3 for the main one (a Georgian film about gay dancers). And a 1980s band AU of a 1960s book series about a sixteenth-century Scottish mercenary where we call ourselves 'tiny fandom' for a reason. So it's both extraordinarily lovely to have so much engagement with this fic and also kind of alarming. To enumerate my alarm: (1) What if I haven't researched the world coffectly (see: misspelling 'caf' as 'kaf')? (2) What if my first fic for this fandom is my best and I have no other ideas to explore coherently? (3) What if I want to write more and it Grows Plot and I end up with just another perpetual WIP trailing its innards all over my ao3 dash? (4) What if I fluked out and wrote something people vibe with while in a trance, but my justification for my actions has bad vibes? However, I try not to cultivate shame, so Andor fandom, specifically Brassian fans: know that you are lovely and it's making Not Looking Down easier.

CONCEPT The fic ambushed me in a back-alley when I was still trying to work through what I did and didn't like about the show (having been immersed in Jyn/Cassian fic and Rogue One backstory when I last did SW fandom). But I knew that what I very much did like was that hug in Rix Road. I am an absolute sucker for second-fiddle characters who are just quietly waiting for an opportunity to fuck shit up on behalf of the skrunkly little creatures we call main characters. Thankless and loyal, competent and smart - not a himbo, but someone who's watching their friend get into trouble and rolling their sleeves up to wade in and help without being asked. The ones you trust to help you hide a body. Also for characters who seem…I don't know, too good to be true on the surface, but have deep reservoirs of potential for darker emotions. I could also have just said I like broad-shouldered black-haired guys who give the best hugs (Brasso. Irakli. Jerott.)

Anyway, I find the best way to explore the relationship between two characters I like is just to make them fuck. I'm being a bit flippant, but only a bit. Communication - spoken and unspoken - is key whether it's good or bad, and you can do a lot with a character's idea of themselves as well as their idea of the other person. It's a performance, it can be about getting a response, and there can be a lot of motives at work. So I wrote this fic to work out how I saw Cassian and Brasso's friendship through a long-term lens - the trust, but also the distance Cassian keeps. Brasso's concern for him, which is overlayed by his frustration at Cassian not telling him everything. Brasso going into these interactions with eyes wide open and still finding it worthwhile, because although Cassian never gives anyone everything he gives something of himself to Brasso that no one else gets. Cassian actually relying deeply on Brasso as a constant in the turbulent life he's made for himself and feeling something almost like guilt for letting himself rely on someone that much. But needing that little hit of stability too much not to keep coming back.

FIC

It's in the present continuous because I was possessed by brain worms and they insisted. I literally haven't written anything in that tense for years so…?

Well, I had to try to replicate that hug. Turning favoured scenes over and over with new words is a fun exercise. And while I am very eyes emoji at the idea of Luthen/Cassian I'm also into the idea of Cass having One Place he knows he can always go back to for safety and comfort without any sort of judgement, and that place being wherever Brasso is. Hence also the idea that, although Cassian claims it's for Brasso's safety that he won't say where he's been or who he's working for, there's also an element of Cassian preserving his bolt hole. If he keeps this relationship separate from the Rebellion then whenever the work he does becomes too much, he can always go somewhere that feels like away from the Rebellion. Which isn't exactly fair if Brasso might choose to be involved in the fight himself, were he given all the information. And is something I want to poke at properly if I can sort out the right kind of Macguffin for the plot I have in mind following up from this fic. It would encompass, in theory, Cassian moving from a state where his work for Luthen feels still like a kind of ownership/debt repayment/self-flagellation towards the kind of responsibility and service he treats it as by the time of Rogue One, where I don't think he has any kind of release valve or bolt hole or temporary place to escape/experience respite from The Cause.

All this is bound up with the idea that Brasso sees Cassian in a way many others on Ferrix don't. I think Maarva sees him, but she's too close to what she did and all the guilt and resentment around her just taking him from his home for that understanding to come without massive strings attached. And Bix, similarly, I think she understands Cassian perfectly well and she's made the conscious decision that That's Not For Her. For all the telling the series does about their previous relationship, the showing doesn't involve much pining (from my perspective), or inclination to get back together, just two people who know each other too well to put up with the other's bullshit. Brasso has that too, but with what the series gives us there's not the same kind of caveats to his understanding of Cassian. At least, that's how I see it.

Connected with 'although Cassian never gives anyone everything he gives something of himself to Brasso that no one else gets', I wanted to keep the two of them isolated from the other Ferrix survivors here. Cassian's in too vulnerable a place to face up to them all together - what's that trope, where a shapeshifter gets confused by being presented with too many things to change into? I think that would be Cass trying to maintain his armour around Bix and Bee as well - lying about the jobs he's doing and where he's been to them all together it too likely to leave him exposed. He can be selective with his information around Brasso, and he can tell when Brasso knows he's holding out and would rather he didn't, but Brasso's also not going to push too hard, because he knows that just gives Cassian an excuse to leave.

'Brasso merely nods - it's only ever just one night. The first time it happened he believed those words and afterwards, ablaze with memories of that one night, he had come to regret agreeing to it - he'd burned through the long sleepless hours between the first time and the second, convinced that he'd just learned what it was he truly wanted only to be denied any repeat of it. Then there had been a second 'just one night'. A third. Brasso had begun to understand that just one night actually meant something else when Cassian said it. It meant I trust you. I need you too much to ruin it by staying longer. I'll be back. I'll always need to come back.'

Of course, in trying to figure out how this would go as something established, I backed myself into a corner of wondering how it might have started - hence Counting on you (ugh I really wish I'd had the patience to think of better titles for these two fics). But I like the idea of seeing how this relationship came into being without ever really having been talked about, just changing bit by bit to incorporate more - as I was saying to @elwenyere, it's a ship of Theseus kind of deal, where both physically and emotionally they're scoping each other out and building on each encounter, as well as on the friendship they had anyway, but really it's just 'yes and-'ing each other without addressing their feelings directly.

I'll admit to taking a deliberately contrary stance to what I expected to be the default take on this ship - that Cassian would be more experienced, more likely to make the first move. I just prefer a dynamic in my ships where they're differently experienced and both invested in making the other feel good, so there's always a bit of a wrangle over who's initiating what. From the way Brasso meets Cassian's improvised alibi to the way he knows exactly where to find him with Maarva's message, I don't believe for one second this is a man who's shy about using his initiative. And like Cassian is, I think he's highly conscious of how people view him and his body and has learned to manipulate expectations around that - either to make himself seem less threatening or to do the opposite. It's something that's part of what they both get out of being together - no facade, Brasso doesn't need to make himself seem smaller or less threatening (he defaults to bumbling when confronted with Imperial patrols, it really takes a lot to get him swinging that brick on Rix Road) because Cass doesn't find him threatening, and Cassian doesn't need his sharp edges, or to make himself seem small in the way he does, too (I keep thinking of how those two Corpos talk about him in the bar in episode 1).

In the end, I think Cassian does believe he's not coming back. Whether because he won't last that long, or because he can't keep this reminder of life outside the dirty work of the Rebellion without the contrast hurting too much/compromising the armour he needs to do his work. And yes, a lot of this comes from pondering Cinta's attitude to her and Vel's relationship - again, if I manage to write more, expect them to be there and that to be part of it. So while it becomes clear to Brasso that Cassian thinks he's not coming back - in a different way from all the previous 'not coming backs', I think that catches Brasso off-guard. Because I think Brasso...wants to believe he would be more honest about how he feels if he really could grasp the idea of it being the last time he sees Cassian. He'd go all in if it was his last chance to do so. But without time to prepare? I think he's made too much of being the one who can let Cassian go (cf. Bix - he's always leaving) and that that's what lets him keep coming back. If you never give something a beginning how can you give it an ending?

A question I find myself confronted with regularly, 50k words in and utterly lost. Stay tuned?

[warningsine]

Before he had even shot a single frame in Lagos, director Babatunde Apalowo knew his film depicting two men falling in love would never see the inside of a cinema in Nigeria. He made it anyway.

The 37-year-old wrote and helmed “All the Colours of the World Are Between Black and White” as a gay-themed love story produced under the Polymath Pictures banner.

For a Nollywood film, Apalowo’s directorial feature debut is an extremely testy on-screen exploration within an African country where homosexuality is illegal and punishable by imprisonment, flogging and death.

Apalowo tells Variety he was shocked a few years ago to hear from a friend that his former roommate at university was lynched for being gay.

“Our residence was small rooms with bunk beds. It’s difficult to move around in that small physical space and not get to know people well. Yet I never knew he was gay.”

“He was lynched. That really got to me because I thought perhaps I was part of the problem. He didn’t trust me enough to tell me what he was going through. It made me wonder and think: Even though we were living so close together in this same physical space our reality was completely different. I couldn’t imagine him going through all those things. And I had absolutely no idea.”

According to Apalowo, the film originally was supposed to be a love letter to Lagos.

“It was meant to be a photographer going around Lagos trying to recapture it after finding a box of photographs and revisiting places.”

“I realized examining something is also a form of love for it — it’s not just a very myopic idea of love.”

“I wanted to focus exclusively on just two characters, but a city is not just buildings, it’s its people. It was challenging to figure out the balance between what we show of Lagos and how the city is portrayed as a character. We see Lagos through the eyes of our main characters with Bambino who sees Bawa taking photos.”

Apalowo explains the most difficult aspect was casting due to the subject matter, making it an issue to get actors.

“There were instances where actors dropped out. It got to a point where I thought to myself: I’m never going to get this film made. I’m never going to get actors for this film, I’m just going to forget about it.”

He kept persevering and eventually got Tope Tedela as Bambino and Riyo David as Bawa – realizing full well that another hurdle was Nigerian censorship since Apalowo wasn’t going to compromise his film artistically.

Nobody however tried to stop him from making the film, he says.

“The issue is after you’re done, you have to pass the National Film and Video Censors Board (NFVCB). We knew right from the outset that we were not going to get to screen the film in Nigerian cinemas so we had our minds made up about that.”

For African filmmakers pondering whether a passion project is worthwhile pursuing despite so many hurdles, Apalowo’s message is not to give up.

“It’s difficult to make films in Africa. Africa presents some specific problems for filmmaking but you can’t give up on your dreams. I should listen to my own advice because I had already given up,” he explains. “I didn’t do the filmmaking I wanted to make.”

“I felt I wasn’t in the right environment to make the films I love. I packed my bag and went to the U.K. At some point I didn’t want to feel like a failure. That’s why I did ‘All the Colours’ as a last effort, thinking: I’m going to make a film for myself and even if it doesn’t get any respect and doesn’t travel and is a failure, I will know I’ve done it.”

Then it won the 2023 Teddy for Best Feature at the Berlin Film Festival, and a best director nomination and a best actor nomination for Tedela at MultiChoice’s Africa Magic Viewers’ Choice Awards last year.

“We were realistic that this is a queer film in a country where homosexuality is punishable with 14 years in prison. To be realistic we had to figure a way out. We knew it couldn’t screen theatrically but now there are other options like streaming, like Netflix and Amazon’s Prime Video.”

“Besides being a queer film it’s also arthouse. Queer film or not, it’s difficult to get theatrical distribution in Nigeria for that,” he says.

Apalowo says he didn’t make “All the Colours” to be an award-winner but to tell a story in the best way possible to tell a particular story.

“It’s high time we as Africans start making specific films, telling our stories.”

“There’s this concept that slow-cinema is European. Slow-cinema is definitely very African. In our storytelling structure — look at our folktales and the way my grandma would tell it — one little story can take hours to tell. I think we should embrace the creation of a new particular style of telling our stories the best way possible.”

With so many “off limits” taboo topics for African filmmakers, Apalowo is encouraging producers and directors to explore these “but to be authentic about it. It’s so clichéd I know, but you do really, really have to be very passionate about it.”

“I was so touched about what happened to my friend and it made me become aware. I became aware of what was going on.”

“If there’s a topic you want to approach you just have to be passionate enough about it to do the work to make it extremely authentic,” he says. “Every African filmmaker should really dig when approaching any topic that’s taboo — find the order in the story.”

[steely-eyedmissileman]

The Vampire Diaries, Ep. 2x03

Bad Moon Rising

yes, yes, yes, a title that reminds me of teen wolf! which did include a cover of bad moon rising that was worse than the original but not bad.

alaric saltzman is back, baby! i will continue to call him ht (history teacher) although he is very important in my heart. i just don't want to type out alaric over and over again.

in a sad counterpoint to the joy that ht brings, damon is being a dick again. it's his natural state. he doesn't believe in werewolves because he's stupid as shit.

meanwhile, a werewolf, nawm is going down into the burned out church??? it's not the church, in fact. welcome to another nearly identical burned-out-building-in-the-woods set! two seasons, two of this shit. damon believes that the werewolves will kill him because he does not understand peaceful coexistence.

meanwhile, caroline cannot go in the sun. it's so sad. she's so sad. my heart is breaking for her. she's such a sweet little baby and i want her to be okay. we gotta get her a ring.

ht has arrived at elena's house to take her and damon to investigate isobel's research. jenna and ht are painfully awkward. her earrings are distractingly huge. i hope that she and ht can work out because i desperately want jenna to get a win. ht is pretty much the only worthwhile man on this show, and jenna is the only woman he can reasonably date. (unfortunately, i suspect he will not be gay.)

elena and stefan make out on the way to the car. stefan's not going because he has to help caroline. and elena wants to annoy damon before they begin their road trip. damon is annoyed and i wish elena would stab him.

bonnie is here! she's going to make a daywalking ring for caroline! although she doesn't know if she can make the ring (an excuse) and she doesn't know if she should make the ring. bonnie doesn't trust any vampires, for fairly good reasons. she blames the salvatore brothers for the death of her grandmother, which is a somewhat unkind (though reasonable!) reading of the situation. the reason her grandmother died is primarily elena's fault. elena could have chosen to leave the brothers in the vault, and that would not have been a bad choice. obviously not going to be made on this show, but reasonable. bonnie is also much more aware of the dangers of vampires than the other characters. elena plays so fast and loose with her own life that i truly don't think she has any conception of how much mortal danger she is in every single fucking day of her life. she is constantly putting her life in the hands of blood-thirsty predators (some of which have no emotions) that she doesn't even realize it's dangerous anymore. it's like americans and driving. driving is the most dangerous thing one can do with your day but most people don't recognize that. the most dangerous thing elena does all day is put her neck really close to the mouths of predators. it's like if a rabbit hopped into a wolf's mouth every so often because 'he wouldn't hurt me.' bitch he fucking would.

bonnie isn't like that, though. bonnie is well aware of the dangers of vampires. sometimes the show treats her like she's overreacting, but i think she is very appropriately reacting. even if bonnie trusts her personal life around these particular vampires, she doesn't trust everyone else's lives. over and over, this show has demonstrated that it is much harder for vampires to harm people they are close to than other people. bonnie isn't just thinking about her safety or the safety of her friends, but the safety of the entire community. caroline has killed a man. sure, she didn't mean to, and she might have chosen differently if she had the tools, but she still killed a person. bonnie would have to trust caroline's self-control a heck of a lot more than is warranted in order to take off her leash. everyone else is convinced that caroline can handle the responsibility, but the question isn't whether caroline can handle the responsibility, it's whether her impulses will override her actions. and they will. pretending she can be in control one hundred percent of the time is not only stupid, it's foolhardy. perhaps, in a century, she'll have that type of control. but she's been a vampire for like three days now.

back to ht, damon, and elena. they're at duke (my dad's second least favorite university!) damon makes another comment that makes he write 'kill him' in my notes. elena calls damon a jackass, which is so fair. i'm very anti-damon this episode.

back in mystic falls, stefan reveals that becoming a vampire accentuates a person's characteristics. in other words, being a vampire makes you more of what you already were. in stefan's case, it made him even more intensely quiet and brooding. in caroline's case, it made her more of a 'insecure, neurotic control freak' (her words, not mine). i think caroline gets blamed for a lot of normal human reactions in this show. she generally behaves a lot like a teenage girl, and that behavior gets demonized even though she is never all that bad. back in the moment, caroline makes fun of stefan (win for her) and then compels people again. this is slightly worrying.

what is nawm up to? we learn that it's a full moon night, and he seems to be worried about turning. tyler's never turned before, so this is strange. nawm is fully chaining himself up. this is very intense, much more intense than teen wolf. tyler brings a girl down to this new woods basement while nawm is chaining himself up inside. i wrote in my notes, 'tylerrrrrrrrrrrrr this is why i called you fuck face.' it then looks like nawm is going to pull a tree down.

at duke, we learn that werewolves hunted vampires, historically and today. in the past, vampires hunted werewolves almost to extinction, really playing up a millenia old rivalry which is going to lead to some sexual tension, i'm sure. a werewolf bite is fatal to vampires. elena asks why she looks exactly like katherine. this grad student (also played kelly kline in supernatural and nora from legends of tomorrow) says that doppelgängers, in the literature, usually 'torment the people they look like, trying to undo their lives.' it's easy to see how katherine's arrival in mystic falls feels like katherine is elena's doppelgänger. katherine wants stefan, she wants to destroy elena's friends and family. in many ways, katherine wants to be elena. in many other ways, katherine wants to be herself in elena's life. what may fly under the radar, though, is the way that elena herself is katherine's doppelgänger. elena is trying to undo katherine's life. she has fallen in love with stefan. she has damon under her thumb. she's surrounded by friends and family. she is, in a lot of ways, the it girl of mystic falls. these are all things that katherine wanted. they are intertwined shadows, preying on each others' lives. they cannot coexist, but they cannot destroy each other either. it's a twisted game, and they're playing it so well.

in mystic falls, stefan is wandering through the woods when he finds nawm's car. from my notes, 'stefan i will pay you one million dollars to turn around and leave right fucking now.' he does not do that, and, in fact, a wolf jumps through the back windshield scaring the shit out of me.

as elena is trying to figure out the doppelgänger mystery, damon is hanging around. elena asks, 'do you know something or are you just being yourself?' which is an excellent burn. ht laughs and shoots a look of love at damon, which is so funny. the even funnier side of this is the grad student is so in love with ht and he is very oblivious. he does tell her that isobel became a vampire.

meanwhile, damon reveals that katherine's last name was originally petrova, not pierce, because she is obviously russian. elena tells damon that no amount of his help will make her forgive him because he killed jeremy. she also says that he didn't know about the ring. i say, 'damon, you gotta move on.'

meanwhile, matt is bleeding and caroline bites him. god damn it caroline. then tyler blunders around. god damn it tyler. then i immediately take that back because tyler makes the wolf leave caroline alone. caroline is wearing leather now (because she's a vampire) and has a lovely conversation with stefan. caroline: 'he is the one person on this entire planet that i never wanted to hurt.' stefan: 'it's not going to get any easier. you're just gonna have to work that much harder.' caroline: 'i shouldn't be with him, should i? because if there is any danger...' stefan: 'i'm the last person to make that kind of decision for you. if i had follow my own advice, i would walked away from elena a long time ago.' caroline: 'you ever think you should have?' stefan: 'i know i should have; i just can't.' it's a great conversation, and i don't know what i can add to it. it's hugely important, and i'm sure there will be no consequences to this conversation later in the season.

meanwhile, tyler's going to figure it out. nawm looks bad. he is covered head to toe in dirt and looks like he's been through it.

next up, matt breaks up with caroline. he can't handle the drama and caroline can't explain a huge part of her life to him. he asks questions she can't answer and he knows she's lying to him. unfortunately, i think it was a given from the moment she was turned.

the duke crew have returned to elena's house. ht kisses jenna and says he should have done that earlier. he's moved on from isobel! jenna is wearing a truly staggering amount of jewelry.

damon tells the truth. he did not know jeremy was wearing the ring when he snapped his neck. he apologizes, so it's a bit of mixed bag. he also says, 'you and katherine have a lot more in common than just your looks.' a cutting comment, and so accurate for this pair. i fear that a lot of this season will involve elena and katherine becoming more similar. they each have to incorporate their shadow side (represented by the other) and thus will move closer to each other. i don't think this is the right call in the long term because katherine is horrible. but elena needs to learn how to listen to and control the dark part of herself instead of just repressing it.

speaking of katherine, she should get away from caroline.

[untothebreach]

I have this notion in my head - pretty has no value. To be ugly is to have meaning, to be rough and haunting and painful is to tell a good story, and to be pretty and palatable is to be vapid and unimportant.

I'm realizing it's a large root of why I feel so terrible about my own artistic work, and why I largely feel it lacks any sort of meaning or importance to the viewer - it's pretty, not made to discomfort the comfortable and comfort the traumatized. It's things I like, things I explore, little characters I think are neat or outfits that I think are 'pretty', 'shiny', 'fancy'. There's no substance there, to me, and yet it's what I love to make.

But at the same time, I want to make things mean something. I have a deep need to make something that will pull and shape people, that will well up emotion and communicate deeper messages. To make things that communicate *me*, but all the ways I can think to do so are simply copycats of other people, and I'm so lonely and isolated that there's no way to give my stories interest to people with truly full lives in comparison.

I don't like making things that are ugly, things with horror and rot and blood, but that's what I've convinced myself is 'good story'. What is the really worthwhile art.

Real art bleeds, and mine is made of clockwork.

My friends are good at art that bleeds. Art that pokes and prods, tears and rots, art that cracks open your ribcage and feeds on whatever's left inside. I can feel myself copying those words, even now. The phrasing of their writing, the style of their prose, the words and images they choose to use. I'm absorbing what I see in them as worthy, as good, as actually having meaning, in an attempt to fix the hole in myself, even though it will never truly work.

I want to make art that means something, that moves. I want to make art about my queer experience, my feelings of loneliness, but it all feels disingenuous. Even when I think of one that doesn't, it immediately becomes it when I try to elaborate on the thought.

Nothing i make is worthwhile, nothing I make is thoughtful. It never has been, because I fought against it for so long I never learned how to weave those things together. It never will be, because I barely know enough about myself to write a self-portrait, let alone a story with impact or a comic with a moral.

I'm not a fancy artistic lesbian or gay man who can pull on their feelings and come out with a message about community or universal experience that will move others like them. I'm not trans enough to write about the discomfort of being trapped in a body, and I refuse to write as though I am a woman. Simple adventure stories are too simple, too stupid and bland - children's play, in a world where I want to be noticed and approved and praised for having worth and inner life.

I want to be a terrarium for stories and all I am is a washed-out glass jar that used to be strawberry preserves.

Sometimes I wonder if these little essays count.

They don't of course - unedited, stream of consciousness, bitter and resentful and hurting and lonely. They're not good to look at, and they aren't ugly in the good way. In the right way. They wallow and self-pity, wail and moan about things within their control like a particularly petulant child. They're stringy and messy and bad to look at, and I don't want to make things that people will be revolted by. That will make them revolted in me.

One day I'll bind a little book of poetry and essays and bury it with me in the grass.

[truetgirl]

Another day, another self-indulgent mini-essay for pride! Today our subject is:

Nicolina (AKA Nico Minoru and Karolina Dean from the Runaways comics)!

Another pick that will come as precisely zero surprise to anyone who has heard me talk about my favorite fictional characters and stories for longer than like 2 seconds. Back in the first pride post series I did I actually discussed each of them as individual characters, and I believe I book-ended the month with them, if memory serves.

What makes these two worth it is the joy of seeing that slow, sometimes painful, but always worthwhile journey of self discovery. Over the course of fifteen years (between they first debuted and when they finally got together) of real-world time, two or three years their time, they grew together, lived together, fought and bled together, and all the while they loved each other. But not always romantically. Well, at least not for Nico.

See, Karolina knew she liked girls from the start. Moreover, she knew she liked Nico right from the start.

These are the fourth and fifth panels she appears in. She has had 3 lines before this moment. She ignores Chase coming on to her, rushes over to Nico the moment she sees her, and starts awkwardly stealth-flirting. This incredibly clear setup for her crush on Nico is like the second thing we ever learn about her, after her name. I wish to take this moment to remind you that this was published in 2003.

Now, this being a comic book, some shit goes down that pretty well back-burners the implied gay crush. Not the least of these was Nico and Alex’s budding relationship at the time. Karolina’s journey of understanding and accepting her sexuality is still going on, but we’re left with an obscured, narrow view of it for a while. The most we got is her clearly self-loathing and brief attempt to force herself to like that one kid that turned out to be a vampire. Yeah, that one, the one that she unintentionally killed with sunlight-blood when she tried to let him kill her.

Then came Alex’s big turn when they went to face their parents. A turn that led Nico to declaring that she was done with boys. Karolina’s reaction to which pretty clearly showed us that she was still into this girl.

Cut to 8 issues into the second volume and things have changed a fair bit. Karolina’s still not in the best place mentally, but she’s doing about as fucking well as could be expected of a teenage girl who was recently suicidal and then had to fight her supervillain parents before leaving them for dead along with a turncoat friend. She’s not as timid anymore, she seems to be a little surer and bolder about being gay (doing stuff like chewing out Chase for using gay as an insult), even if she was still closeted.

Nico, for her part, has become a leader in Alex’s stead. It’s a chaotic and fraught dynamic, and she never really fills the role the same clear and authoritative way that Alex eventually had, but these kids would go to pieces without her. And she’s bearing this responsibility, even if it’s only implied, while dealing with all the same tragedy as the rest of them. Hell, probably feeling it even more keenly because of how close she and Alex had been. Part of what’s getting her through her days is her friendship with Karolina, which has gotten very close indeed in the time since the showdown with their parents.

This closeness, Karolina’s budding confidence and absurdness, Nico swearing off boys... It all feels like it should be leading to something, right? “But surely not,” thought I, reading this comic published in 2005 in the school library, “Even now, in the enlightened age of 2013, queer stuff barely happens in popular media. No way this old comic is gonna-”

“Well, I’ll be damned." Also, yeah, Nico thought that last bit was her helping the situation. Girl has a looooooong way to go.

Heartbreak of that scene aside, Karolina almost immediately gets swept up by Xavin and taken out into space (the details of which I still want to see first hand, dammit). She has a lot to deal with, emotionally. Between her parents, Alex, her depression, angst about her sexuality, and now Nico’s rejection and this new alien person to whom she is apparently betrothed? Yeah, she’s got a lot on her plate.

Meanwhile, Nico, in the immediate aftermath of everything that has happened, and now this scene being her seemingly last memory of her best friend, is left crushingly alone. She believes, and honestly has pretty decent grounds to believe, that she just drove Karolina as far away as it is possible to go. She’s isolated, and she can hardly even begin to process how badly she must have just hurt her best friend by reacting so severely.

So she spirals. She becomes self destructive in her personal life, especially her love life. Every relationship she has, of which there were quite a few, blows up in her face because she’s not really emotionally engaging with them. In fact, she’s pushing them away, so terrified she is at the prospect of either hurting anyone or being hurt like that again.

Even once Karolina and Xavin come home, a development at which Nico is clearly overjoyed, nothing is as it once was. She and Karolina have both grown into more complicated people than they were before. For one thing, Karolina and Xavin are still together, and they’ve clearly been through a lot together that, for the first time, Nico can’t even begin to relate to. Where once she and Karolina understood implicitly what the other had been through, having lived it together. Now they both had new experiences the other knew nothing of.

Even still, they fell back into one another. Into needing each other, loving one another, being a safe place for the other to go and a support in times of need:

live Victor reaction in the last one like damn dude you ok there?

For a long time it was just. Like this. When Xavin took Karolina’s place to go and be tried for her parents crimes, it was Nico that she confided in about how badly it messed her up. When Nico needed someone she didn’t have to keep the leadership mask on with, she went to Karolina.

I’ll admit I’m not the best versed in what they got up to while their little family was scattered across the Marvel universe, because I was very upset to see them separated so I didn’t go looking into it. But when they got back together, and when the girls started to get back into their old dynamic, I was hopeful. Not hopeful that this ship would happen, I’d long since given up hope by the time the 2017 run rolled in, what with Karolina being in a relationship and Nico still never having been confirmed to like girls. But I appreciated just seeing them together again. Then this happened:

Can you say reversal? Suddenly, after a couple years of growth, Karolina is completely assured in who she is. She’s doing well for herself, what between college, a girlfriend with whom things seem to be going well, and a much healthier level of self esteem helped along by therapy. Nico, meanwhile, is once again showing the bad habits she developed while trying to cope with her various interpersonal traumas. Once more she’s pushing a personal dynamic to any limit she can find, hoping that this time it’ll go well and not blow up in her face.

Even as the two of them continue to be friends again, there’s an awkwardness between them after this. Their relationship is at its lowest point, I would say, since Karolina first tried to kiss Nico. Nico is her usual brand of hot mess who is nonetheless the natural leader of this fucked up little family, and Karolina, while she is better, is by no means perfect.

In fact, it’s during this time that she and her girlfriend start to drift apart. Karolina is trying to spin too many plates now that her friends are together and part of her life again, and it basically means she never sees her girlfriend, Julie, basically at all these days. Karolina doesn’t want to hurt her, I’d go so far as to call it the last thing she wants, but life’s a real screaming bitch sometimes. It’s honestly a really sad breakup to watch, when the time comes, just because it’s so mundane and real. Julie did nothing wrong, and she was perfectly graceful about the whole thing, and Karolina never wanted to them to grow apart like they did, but they did, and it obviously hurt them both.

But, pain or no pain, life goes on. After a few more comic plot shenanigans and a frank conversation about with Nico about the people they’ve lost and what it’s done to them, then comes the big one: Nico volunteers to go with Karolina to this big formal party she’s attending for charity, a party Julie was originally going to go to with her, and this is where we shift to Nico’s perspective, gained from years of slow, agonizingly hard-won character growth, on certain past events...

I was not kidding about how hard this event and her reaction to Karolina clearly stuck in her mind.

This leads into what is both one of the most salient moments of Nico’s development and characterization as well as a perfect glimpse into their friendship and what it’s meant to them over the years:

They’ve always seen each other. They’ve always known they loved each other. Karolina just realized and interpreted it a lot faster. But that time helped both of them to grow. It helped Karolina accept who she was and learn what it meant to be a partner, be part of someone’s life, and how to love herself enough to forgive herself for the things she could never have controlled. It gave Nico the space and time she dearly needed to process her feelings and her trauma, bumpy and hazardous a road as that has always been for her. And now, finally, they figured it out together. They’ve grown into beautiful, wonderful people together, and their shared experiences mean they understand one another in ways nobody else really can. What makes them compelling is, to cut this incredibly long and rambling story short, growth.

[masteryaddleisagilf]

Star Wars Fanfic You haven’t read Yet (but really should)

So, yeah, most fanfic rec lists include the same great fics. So here are some that are still amazing, 10/10, but you probably haven’t heard of.

Palpatine's Greatest Hit (List) by @wanderingjedihistorian

Summary:

Toppling a Republic and Building A Sith Empire are not easy tasks. So many people seemed determined to get in his way. Palpatine creates a Hit List.

Extract:

Dear Diary Yoda is added to this list for the 100th time because he talked at me in metaphor. Again. Frustrating old troll. Or is he a frog? Whatever. He needs to die.

Why I love it? It’s great fun and the kind of crack that really cracks a smile. A good laugh, for the cheap price of some kudos? Worth it!

Civic Duty by rosepetalfall

Summary: 

On the rare occasions Tatooine shows up in the holonews, the Core newscasters are always using words like “lawless” and “anarchic.”

Right now, Luke almost wishes that were true.

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Teenage Luke Skywalker grudgingly sits through one of Anchorhead Freeholding's bimonthly Council meetings and does his civic duty.

Extract:

Luke would vote for just about any proposal at this point, if someone would finally put one forward. In fact, he would happily go without bantha meat for a year, so long as it made Fixer’s father stop interjecting to call literally every suggestion “completely unworkable.”

Or maybe Biggs' mom, the current Council Chief, will pull out her blaster and stun Fixer's father. It's a long shot, since blasters are banned within the meeting hall. (There was some kind of incident back when Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were kids. Everyone has a different story about what actually happened, with the only common thread being that at some point Camie's grandad got shot. He got better, of course, but supposedly he’s never set foot in the meeting hall since. Though sometimes he heckles loudly through the windows. Luke’s heard him.) Someone shooting Fixer's father just a little might make staying actually worthwhile.

Why I love it? Funny and well written. Also, fantastic worldbuilding. 

Stolen Choices by softmoonlight

Summary: 

There's a youngling perched on the roof of the Galactic Museum, and Fox is exhausted.

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A jaded clone and a nervous young Jedi have a conversation about duty.

Extract:

Fox chooses his words carefully. "I did want to go to the war. I'm a commander—commander of the Coruscant Guard, now, but my batchmates and I were all born to serve on the front lines, alongside Jedi Generals. It's in my genes. But someone was needed here, too, protecting the home front. My duty is to the Republic above all else, so I serve a the pleasure."

That's what he convinces himself to keep going, anyway, although lately Fox wonders if any of it was worth it.

Cal's expression turns melancholy again. While Fox was speaking, he tucked his knees under his chin and wrapped his arms around them. "I don't want to go!" He bursts out. "I'm twelve, and I'm a commander too." Freeing one arm, he gives an sloppy salute as his lips twist in a bitter smile. "Commander Kestis of the 13th Battalion, at your service. I ship out the day after tomorrow."

Okay, so, even if you haven’t played Fallen Order and couldn’t care less about Cal, this is still worth reading. A very well written conversation between two people forced into the same war, and how their perspectives differ and merge.

Amazingly well written, and really worth a read or two.

Marriage, and Other Unorthodox Solutions by @sassysnowperson​

Summary:

Luke Skywalker's parents are never going to be able to afford the college of his dreams. Luke resigns himself to community college. His best friend, Wedge, has a different idea.

-

Mind still scrambling for some sort of solution, Wedge asked, "Marriage? It's legal for you to get married."

"And thank God for that." Luke rolled his eyes. "I don't know if you've noticed, buddy, but supreme court decision aside, there's not a lot of options for gay guys around here. Besides, how does that pitch go, marry me for the student loan debt?"

"Okay," Wedge responded.

Extract: 

"It looks like there's no-fault divorce."

"Costs five thousand dollars, though."

"That's lawyers fees, mostly," Luke said, scanning quickly through his phone. "If it's amicable, we can just go for it."

"Oh yeah." Wedge got to that page on his own phone. "As long as we don't own any real estate." Wedge put his phone down on the table. "Do you think we can avoid accidentally purchasing a plot of land?"

Luke chuckled. "You know, I feel like that's one pitfall of college life that we can manage to escape." He shook his head, looking at his phone, "Wedge, I can't...I think we might need to take some time to think."

There are no words in the English language to explain how much I love fake married AUs. Even if you don’t care too much about this particular ship (Wedge/Luke), the story is so good and so well written that you should at least check it out. 

Offerings for Ghosts by straight_up_gay

Summary:

Obi-Wan gave Luke to Beru Whitesun-Lars. She sometimes gives him cause to regret it

Extract:

"It’s standard procedure, at the creche, to put wards on the younglings’ Force sense. It’s like putting a blindfold on the part of them that connects to other people in the Force. We find that, otherwise, they tend to feel things strongly enough that they’re unhappy and difficult to deal with.”

She feels dirty and small and tired, especially in front of the well-dressed Jedi in front of her. He’s probably right. But …

"No," she says quietly, dropping the word like a heavy sandspike across the conversation. "No, you're not allowed to do anything with his head."

She gently smooths the soft fuzz of hair on Luke’s head. She’s heard that babies’ skulls are still fusing themselves together, that there are soft parts in between the bone. There’s not enough armour around Luke’s little brain for her taste; she feels like she could hurt him just by holding his head wrong.

Why I love it? The love! Beru loves her baby so much and would die for him. She tries her best and that shows. I love Beru stories and this one hits the sweet spot like you have no idea.

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(if any of the links don’t work, please tell me so I can fix them!)

[writingonesdreams]

You do realise that white and straight characters make up the majority of American literature still and that tumblr's desire for diversity is a tiny microcosm of the writing community? You're not being forced to include anyone. Perhaps if you don’t like minorities speaking up for themselves you'd be better suited to a place like Reddit.

You realize I'm not an American, anon. That's probably why their concerns not only don't apply to me, they get quite overwhelming and unfitting, when I get flooded with them.

I'm not a native English speaker nor an American, so I really don't know why I should be forced to deal, resolve or represent American problems. English is an international language with the potential to connect people all over the world and with so many different people and origins, you get a whole scale of different problems.

That's the issue here. We all have our probelms, anon. We are all minorities in some settings, situations and contexts. We all have our struggles and unfairness done to us, and we can't all be concerned with everybody's problems. We have to be careful about what problem we pick and choose to write about. It's logical people will choose those personally relevant and important to them. We should all be free to do this. Since my problems differ a lot from the majority of Tumblr (with me being a mentally and physically healthy straigh cis white girl from post-communistic European country who likes capitalism) it's easy to get the feeling in the writeblr community that I'm an outsider and an immoral person for not caring about specific minority problems. I'm a minority too here and in real life, because of my language and country of origin. And honestly I don't go around demanding people to represent me and guilting them into doing so. A friend decided on her own to draw inspiration from my home country for her fantasy book, and it was an amazing feeling, but I had never suggested, lecutred or begged her into doing it. Maybe I should be doing more to represent my own country and my own discrimination and minority problems, who knows. But I'm just not interested in it. I want to write about the stuff that makes me happy and interested, and if that doesn't include representation (of people similar to me or totally different than me) then I should be free to do that, without people hating, guilting or claiming I'm doing something wrong, if I'm not doing something for them specifically. I should be free to do that without anxious feelings, that blogs here will turn on me, that my friends might be offended, that I will start getting angry hateful anons.

If I'm not being forced, that's only right and good so. I do protest those posts that make it sound like representation of whatever minority, is a precondition to a worthwhile story, and that stories can't be good if they don't include representation XYZ. And I would like to make this known to other writblrs as well. There isn't a checklist of representations and ideologies you have to include in your writng to be a good writer. There isn't a checklist you have to include to be a good person. Don't let the pressure from others force you to write something you don't want to.

Other then that, include any representation you want to or find important. Make self-inserts. Make all characters gay if that's what you like. But don't go jumping at me for writing striaght characters, or liking romance, or not feeling bad as a women for wanting kids, or not disliking capitalism based on my life experience, or preferring men friendships over women ones. 

The reasons why we like reading & writing what we do are very personal, individual, often illogical, emotional and irrational, and I think we should all be allowed to explore and enjoy that without feeling guilty, cause our interests don't match some kind of trending noble moral justice ideology on the internet. I have seen European writers being so taken by the American politics discourse and pressure posts, they feel obligated to write about black characters in all their stories, although they have never met or seen an Afro-American person in their life. There would be nothing wrong with that, if that desire came from real interest and not the enforcement policy on Tumblr. I have seen German writers screaming about the BLM movement, although that was a completely American movement, taking place in very specific political climate with specific incidents. Europe is just different. We don't divide people accoriding to race, we are all intermixed from all sides. Every Austrian's great grandmother is Slavic. Half of Slavic people have German or Jewish last names. You have people from Italy or Turkey or Vietnam all over the big cities that have darker skin colour, so no one will walk to you and introduce themselves as black or biracial or whatever. The diversity here is ever present and normal, with ofc its own specific probelms and discriminations. Americans don't get that. And I think lots of European writerbls (or other ones all over the world, America is not the center of everything, y’know) don't get that either, when they come and get manipulated and swayed by the American centric concerns and slogans into fighting for ideologies that don't have anything to do with them, while ignoring the discourses and problems they live in.

What I'm trying to say is this: I don't think anyone has the right to claim you are a terrible immoral person, just because you don't care about all issues. Or their issues. We can't all care about everybody all the time. We should all be free to choose what we care about. We only have so much time, so many stress levels, so many spoons. You have to take care of your health, of your comfort, of your happiness - and when that is done, you will have much more energy and time to help others. That is what I believe. 

[yasminbenoit]

“A Romantic Partner Won’t Complete Me, Because I Was Born Complete”: How Identifying As Asexual & Aromantic Brought Me True Freedom & Happiness | Yasmin Benoit for British Vogue

There is a phase in our lives where everyone seems asexual and almost everyone seems aromantic. It wasn't until puberty kicked in that platonic relationships seemed to take a backseat. My peers stopped wanting to play together and started wanting to 'date' each other. That was when I started to realise that there was something different about me. I didn’t seem to be experiencing the same urges as those I was around. I chose to go to an all girls school in the hopes that – in the absence of boys – everyone would stop caring about sex and dating. It actually had the opposite effect. There was a sense of deprivation in the air and the heightened desire to project their sexuality onto anything and everything.  

Therefore, my lack of interest became even more obvious, and it became a not-so-fun game to work out the source of what should be troubling me, but hadn’t been until that point. Having a sexual orientation isn’t just natural, it’s essential. It’s part of being a fully-functional human being. And to be romantically love and be loved by another is the ultimate goal. It’s part of being normal, which made me both abnormal and puzzling. When your asexual, people think there’s something wrong with your body. When you’re aromantic, they think there’s something wrong with your soul. Even for a teenage girl who internalised all of Disney Channel’s “be yourself” messages, it’s never nice to have people publicly debate your supposed physical and psychological flaws.  

My nickname in school was “hollow and emotionless.” I was a joker with a decent amount of friends, but I was lacking something crucial, the kind of love that really mattered and the kind of lust that made life exciting...so I was practically Lord Voldemort with braids. I sat through the regular DIY sexuality tests, having my peers show me graphic sexual imagery, have very sexual conversations in my presence, and ask me inappropriately intimate questions to gauge how far gone I truly was. These tests lead to the development of theories, most centred around me having some kind of mental problem. After a while, you start to wonder if everyone knows something you don’t.

When they said that I must have been molested as a child and “broken” by the trauma, I wondered if I had somehow forgotten about sexual abuse that actually hadn’t happened. I looked at some of my own relatives with suspicion, the same people who would later ask me if I didn’t experience sexual attraction because I was a pedophile. It was suggested that I was “suffering” from my “issues” because I was socially anxious and insecure. The suggestion that my ‘issue’ was pathological stayed with me for a long time, but not as much as the widely accepted theory that I was mentally slow. Unfortunately, that one stuck. I was referred to as “stupid” and I started to believe that was the case. It would impact my experience in education for the next eight years, long after I realised that there was a word for what I was.

Asexual.

I first heard the word during one of the near-daily sexuality tests that I was subjected to. I was asked if I was gay, to which I said that I wasn’t interested in anybody like that – men or women. At fifteen, I was asked, “Maybe you’re asexual or something?” but it wasn’t quite a lightbulb moment. How could it be when I had never heard the word outside of biology class? After an evening of Google searching, I realised that there were many people with my exact same experience, complete strangers whose stories sounded so strangely similar to mine. I also stumbled across the word ‘aromantic,’ but at the time, I didn’t understand the need for it. "Wouldn't all asexual people be aromantic? A romantic relationship without sex is just friendship with rules,” I thought.

Either way, my discoveries showed me that I wasn’t alone, but that only half helpful. I now had an identity that no one had heard of or understood. Most didn’t believe that being asexual or aromantic was a real thing, and I doubted it to. I had been taught to after years of armchair pathologisation. If asexuality was real, why did no one tell you that being sexually attracted to nobody was an option? What if it was just an internet identity made up to comfort people with all of the issues that had been attributed to me? I didn’t have to go far down the rabbit hole to realise that asexuality, like many non-heteronormative identities, had been medicalised. What I had experienced as just the tip of the iceberg. As someone who hadn’t been prescribed drugs I didn’t need or subjected to unnecessary hormone tests, I was one of the lucky ones.

My activism would be my gateway to the community. Despite being the ugly friend at school, I ended up becoming a model while in university. I decided to use the platform I had gained through my career to raise awareness for asexuality and aromanticism. It gave me the opportunity to encounter a range of asexual and aromantic offline, it was then that I learned the significance of having an aromantic identity. There are many asexual people who still feel romantic attraction, as well as aromantic people who still feel sexual attraction. They have their own range of experiences, their own culture, their own flag, and like the asexual community, I was relieved to see that they are just normal people. These intersecting communities are not stereotypes. They weren’t just thirteen year old, pink haired kids making up identities on Tumblr to feel special. They were parents, lawyers, academics, husbands, girlfriends, artists, black, white, young, old, with differing feelings towards the many complex elements of sexuality and intimacy. Most importantly, they were happy.

I am proud to be part of both, and I know that while being asexual and aromantic, I am a complete person and I can live a perfectly fulfilling life. Since meeting members of my communities, I’ve become more open about my identities in real life, and a reaction I’m often met with is sympathy. “You must feel like you’re missing out,” “I can’t imagine being like that,” “It must be hard for your family,” “Do you worry no one will want you?” “How do you handle being so lonely?” “You’re so brave and strong,” “What will you do with your life now?” Even in 2021, a woman who isn’t romantically loved or sexually desired by their “special someone” is perceived as being afflicted with some kind of life-limiting condition.  

Asexuality doesn't make undesirable or unable to desire others. It is a unique experience of sexuality, not a deprivation from it. Even if it was, there is so much more to life than what turns us on and what we do about it. Romantic love is just one form of love, neither superior nor inferior to any other. Being aromantic doesn't mean that you can't love or be loved, it does not mean you are void of other emotions or capabilities. I am not lonely with my friends, family, co-workers and supporters. I feel confident not when someone wants to date me but when I meet my goals and form worthwhile connections with others. My success isn't determined by whether someone will want to marry me someday. What we want out of life is our decision alone, our sources of happiness should not be defined by our ever-changing, culturally relative social standards. The love of a romantic partner won't complete me because I was born complete. Feeling sexual attraction to others won't liberate me because my liberation is not dependent on other people.

Valentine's Day is on the horizon. It's an occasion that amps up the focus on (and the pressure to achieve) a very specific type of love and sexual expression, one that is actually alienating for people inside and outside of the asexual community. During a pandemic where many relationships have been strained, tested, formed or distanced, it's important to keep the diversity of romantic and sexual feelings in mind. Many expect me to feel annoyed or lonely during this time of year, but I actually feel empowered and excited by the way sex, romance and love are discussed more deeply around this time. These conversations are constantly expanding to become more inclusive for everyone, and that's what we need to see all year round.

https://www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/asexuality-and-aromanticism